Don't Become Another Divorce Statistic! You can save your relationship. Learn how!

It’s probably not unreasonable to assume that most people whose partners have broken a contract of monogamy regard their partner, or at the very least their partner’s actions as something not too unlike the word “malicious”. In reality, people rarely break these contracts (read: “cheat”) for the purpose of malice. We like to think that they do, because it places us in a position of superiority. “My partner did that awful thing because s/he is a malicious beast who wanted to hurt me.” People don’t hurt people they look down upon. They hurt people they regard as superior as a way of bringing themselves to that person’s level (by the way, this method has never worked). So in regarding our cheating partner as “malicious”, we are trying to suggest that they regard us as superior. They don’t, and we’re not.

The truth is that people don’t cheat to hurt their partner. Exactly the opposite, they cheat (read: fulfill a need of theirs through someone else without your awareness or consent) because they didn’t want to hurt you! It sounds crazy, but it is 100% true: people cheat on their partners because they do not want to hurt their partners.

Of course, the irony here is that it ultimately leads to even more hurt because it was a dishonest action. But in all actuality, they meant well by it.

So what leads to a person deciding to fulfill a need of theirs while attempting to preserve the needs of their partner (whose one of many needs is to be in a monogamous relationship)? It is a way of hedging their interests, or put more understandably, a way of having their cake and eating it too. The entirety of their needs are no longer being met by their monogamous partner, so they seek out an additional person to do some supplemental work. But notice I said additional, not different. Well what does that mean? It means people who cheat have needs that run so deep, they attempt to meet these needs by introducing another person to their life. Viewed in this light, cheating hardly seems malicious. More appropriately, it is something to take compassion upon. Of course, after your mate neglects one of your needs (monogamy) and in doing so reveals their depth of needs, it is understandable that you won’t be in an emotional position to provide (let alone even more than you had before) for the “cheater’s” needs.

Right about now you’re probably wondering why you’re reading this article. You came here because you are damn mad about what your partner did (which is entirely understandable), and you were hoping to find a little fuel for your anger. You were hoping to read an article written by someone who is also mad as hell about what happened to them. If you found that article, at least you would know you’re not alone.

Does that sound about right?

Apparently so, because you’re still reading. Before I continue, you should know that you‘re never alone. You can‘t be. You‘re a part of this world as much as anyone else, no matter how much you sometimes might not want to admit it.

As for the reason you’re still reading? It’s because you’re hoping I say something that you know is true, but have simply forgotten. The truth is that you will heal from what has happened to you in a fuller and faster fashion by forgiving your partner for what they did. But with fuller and faster comes harder. The easy route is to be pissed off at them and belittle them in your thoughts and words. The hard (okay, okay… the extremely hard) route is to admit that they are an individual with a whole breadth of needs that were simply not being met. A breadth of needs much larger than yours (hey, you didn’t cheat, right?).

It is okay if you choose to add a smile of gratitude for your relative lack of needs to your process of dealing with infidelity.

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