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If you’ve ever seen your partner flirting with a member of the opposite sex, you know what jealousy feels like. Jealousy refers to the negative thoughts or feelings that occur when we feel our relationships being threatened of challenged. Although we all feel that little green monster rise up occasionally, it’s important to remember that jealousy is not an abnormal feeling. In fact, many sociologists view it as a social phenomenon developed to help us protect our relationships.

Natural as it may be, if you experience jealousy in your relationships, you know that it can be frustrating, annoying, painful and even embarrassing. Most experts agree that if left untamed, jealousy can single-handedly destroy an otherwise great relationship. However, although many people believe they are predetermined to be jealous, it’s possible to stop jealousy and improve your relationships.

Why do we experience jealousy?

Fear of rejection or abandonment – whether conscious or subconscious – is one of the major reasons we experience jealousy. Some psychologists believe we can trace the root of this reaction back to prehistoric times. When there were fewer people around, building relationships was of utmost importance for protection and survival. Therefore, it makes sense that we would develop a keen instinct to know when these relationships were being threatened.

Even though we’ve long since passed the caveman era when having strong relationships could mean the difference between life and death, we still feel this instinctual need to protect our relationships. And it makes sense – after all, you still want to preserve the bonds and connections you’ve created. But if jealousy is a constant factor in your relationship, you might want to examine whether this emotion is coming from an instinctual, subconscious place or from legitimate fears you have about the fidelity of your partner.

So what to do?

If you fear that jealousy might be ruining your relationship, now’s the time to act. Here are a few tips for getting your emotions under control:

1) The first step is to identify when your feelings of jealousy occur. Do you feel jealous when your partner interacts with anyone of the opposite sex, or only in specific situations? If you only feel jealous in certain instances, do you experience the same feelings every time the situation occurs, or are there more specific triggers?

2) Once you’ve identified the triggers that cause a jealous reaction, try to identify the reasons behind it. If you’ve ever been cheated on, you may be worried that your current partner will do the same. Your feelings of jealousy may also be coming from low self esteem. If you don’t value yourself, you may be worried that your partner will leave you for someone you perceive as “better.”

3) After completing your self evaluation, talk to your partner about your feelings. Be sure to phrase the conversation in terms of “I” - say things like, “I feel bad when you flirt with other people in front of me,” instead of, “You’re always flirting with other people in front of me.” Doing so removes the blame from the issue and allows you to focus on resolving your jealousy instead.

If jealousy is a major problem for you – or if your past relationships are truly impacting your ability to be happy, you may want to consider seeking professional assistance to help you resolve your emotional issues. Speaking with a qualified third party – like a therapist or psychologist – can help you address your jealousy issues and resolve them in a safe, non-confrontational environment.

Don’t be afraid of jealousy – it often stems from natural, instinctive psychological processes. However, when left unchecked, jealousy can ruin your current relationships and any future ones. So take the time to identify your issues and work through them with your partner or a third party. You’ll soon be on your way to taming that little green monster inside.

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