Celebrity role models vs. local role models

Even though Hillary Clinton did not divorce her husband, many women felt she should have done so. On the other hand, just as many others applauded Clinton’s willingness to honor her marriage vows and act as a stabilizing force in her family, and perhaps for the country. Regardless of how you felt about this situation, there are many other role models for you to consider.

For example, chances are you have female friends or co-workers that caught a husband in the act of committing adultery. You may find that some of these women filed for divorce as quickly as possible, while others chose marriage counseling to try and work through their problems. Unfortunately, you have probably also heard about the enormous financial repercussions of divorce, as well as the impact on any children the couple had. Listen to their experiences, but also remember to choose the path that makes sense for you and your relationship.

Preparing for infidelity before it happens

In today’s world, women are still often thought of as dependent on their husbands for financial support. Even if a woman works, it’s very hard to break this stereotypical impression. That said, having a job, your own friends, and a life independent of your husband can be immensely helpful. At the very least, if you do find yourself having to cope with infidelity and divorce, you’ll have a wider number of options available to you.

Weighing your options

If you find that your husband is cheating on you, you may not want to try and save your marriage. However, you’ll need to make sure that you protect yourself and your children from the consequences of a hasty decision. Before making any rash moves, consider financial and custody related issues. Even if you do decide to end your marriage, it’s important to understand why it failed so that you don’t make the same mistake twice.

It’s also important to make sure that you understand why your husband decided to commit adultery. That said, before you ask this question, you may want to seek the help of a marriage counselor or psychologist. In some cases, it may be best to not ask this question until both of you are in a therapeutic setting. With a counselor present, there will be a neutral third person who can observe and find ways to uncover the truth about a wide number of relationship issues.

Without question, coming to terms with marital infidelity is difficult. For a woman, there are a number of issues to consider including both monetary and child custody situations. As you weight financial and family-related options, you’ll also need to make sure that you have emotional and spiritual support. As you might expect, there are a number of people that can help you get through this difficult time.

Advantages of marriage counseling

A marriage counselor can help uncover the reasons why your marriage is failing. Even if you don’t want to hear about the negative aspects of your role in the marriage, it may save you substantial grief later on. You’ll be more aware of your own personal issues and understand how they impact your partner. As both you and your spouse work through these issues, you may be able to save your marriage and move forward together, or at least work towards a more amicable separation.

Disadvantages of marriage counseling

Even if you’re committed to saving your marriage, going through counseling is hard work. Both you and your partner will be discussing a number of highly-charged, emotional issues. You may find that you argue more or develop other problems as a result of the counseling process. In addition, you may find that the cost of marriage counseling is outside of your financial means. However, the cost of divorce is likely to be more expensive than what you’ll pay for counseling, and you may be able to find church and community-based guidance for free.

Emotional issues

Even in modern society, it’s still difficult to think of mental and emotional illnesses as being no different from physical ailments. The social stigma surrounding the very act of seeking professional help from a therapist can be enormous. You may find yourself suffering from emotional issues like depression or unmanageable anxiety as the result of your decision to seek counseling. That said, if you want help with saving your marriage or coming to terms with infidelity, this is one of the best things you can do.

In addition, it can be difficult to trust a third person with the future of your marriage. Considering that a “third party” already interfered with your marriage, you may feel like adding a marriage counselor will be useless. At the same time, if your therapist makes a suggestion, you may automatically start worrying about whether or not your spouse will accept it. While these barriers may be difficult to work through, it’s important to remember that your marriage counselor is a licensed professional who’s there to help you as much as possible.

Unfortunately, marriage counseling may not result in moving forward with your marriage. However, if you’re dealing with infidelity, going through the counseling process may help you uncover valuable information about yourself and your relationship style. Even if you can’t save your current marriage, at the very least, you’ll know more about how to have a more healthy relationship when you’re ready to try again.

Abuse issues

Over the years, researchers have uncovered a great deal of information about the people most likely to abuse children. In particular, children are often sexually, emotionally, and physically abused by step-parents, especially those who enter the family following infidelity. Therefore, when one spouse commits adultery, it’s crucial to consider the possibility that your child may be abused by a step-parent at some point in the future. Unfortunately, that abuse may come at the hands of your own partner as easily as it can from your ex-spouse’s partner.

Impacts of infidelity on lifestyle

Most children don’t know how to respond when they learn that their parents are having marital problems. You may also find that sudden behavior changes in your children are caused by these issues. At the same time, you probably won’t have sufficient emotional resources to devote to your children as you’re coping with the ending of your own relationship. During these times, it’s essential to seek psychological counseling for yourself, as well as your children.

Getting help

Regardless of whether you are the spouse committing adultery or not, you’ll need to make sure that your children obtain as much help as possible. In particular, they’ll need the support and advice of a child psychologist. It’s also important to do what you can to make sure that your children maintain the stable friendships they have built with people their own age. While other children can’t take the place of a parent, your child may feel more comfortable sharing their feelings with someone else their own age.

When children grow up

The decisions that you make about infidelity will have enormous repercussions on the future of your children. If they aren’t taught better, they may grow up and choose abusive partners, or become abusive themselves. You may find that your children will cheat on their partners, based on the example set by your or your spouse. Unless your children have adequate psychological counseling, they may wind up in broken marriages themselves, without understanding why it happened.

Chances are, when you first got married, the last thing you wanted to believe was that your spouse would cheat on you. In a similar way, the birth of a child is a time to celebrate some of the most powerful and beautiful aspects of a happy marriage. Unfortunately, when a spouse commits adultery, all of the family stability is robbed from the children. Since a child can’t simply choose to go live elsewhere, get a job, or remove themselves from the situation, you’ll have to do what you can to make the situation as easy as possible for them.

Lack of role models

Chances are, the minute you hear the word infidelity, you think of former New York mayor Eliot Spitzer or former US President Bill Clinton. Unfortunately, you may have a much more difficult time thinking of a male celebrity that has dealt with the immediate issue of an unfaithful wife. Similarly, it may be difficult to find role models in your own community – leaving you with fewer resources to turn to. If possible, try to seek out any male friends or colleagues that are going through the same issues as you are for support.

Emotional impact of infidelity

Statistically speaking, men have a harder time recovering from broken relationships than women. Even though men rarely talk about their feelings, it doesn’t mean that the pain and grief are any less. At the same time, finding help in contemporary society may be difficult. When confronting infidelity, you may find it helpful to find a psychologist or other type of counselor who focuses on men in adulterous relationships to help you with the healing process.

Deciding what to do

Once you know that your wife has committed adultery, you’ll need to decide what you want to do about it. At first, you’ll need to gain control of any urges to commit a criminal act. However, before you act impulsively, give yourself some time to calm down and consider the situation as rationally as possible. One of the best things you can do is go see a lawyer to discuss your options. It may helpful to seek the support of a clergyman, as well as a psychologist.

After you’ve had some time to come to terms with the infidelity, you can begin the process of letting your wife know what you want to do about your marriage – whether you choose to leave the relationship or seek outside help in repairing it. During this process, it will be important to listen and try to understand where things went wrong. This may make it easier to avoid a similar situation later in life.

Seeking help from marriage counselors

Infidelity does not mean you have to end your marriage. If you both see a marriage counselor and work to repair your relationship, you may be able to find ways to renew your commitment to each other. Seeking counseling will also help both partners come to terms with the issues within the marriage that may have contributed to one partner making the decision to find someone else.

Every year, thousands of marriages end in divorce. When the issue revolves around infidelity, it is not always the men that are unfaithful. That said, it’s often hard for men to find the resources and support they need to deal with these issues. Nevertheless, if you’re a man in this situation, it’s still important to obtain the assistance of a lawyer and a psychologist. Depending on your situation, it may be possible to save your marriage by seeking the help of a marriage counselor.

Advantages of hiring a private investigator

Chances are, it will be safer and easier to hire a private investigator than to try to investigate the situation yourself, since you won’t need to worry about how you’ll feel when you see your spouse and lover meeting. At the same time, the private investigator will be able to gather all the evidence that you’ll need, should you decide to pursue divorce proceedings. You may also find that the impartial activities of a private investigator will make it easier for you to navigate tricky divorce and child custody proceedings.

Disadvantages of hiring a private investigator

When you suspect that your spouse is cheating, you’ll probably want to know immediately. Unfortunately, it may take days or even weeks for a private investigator to gather enough evidence to be of use to you. While waiting for this information may be difficult, you’ll need to wait things out to allow the person you hired to do a thorough job.

You’ll also find that private investigators charge by the hour and type of service. They may need to follow your spouse for hours before catching them with a partner, which can quickly add up on your bill. Similarly, if you want to know who your spouse’s partner is, the investigator may charge an additional fee to perform a background check and other research.

Selecting a private investigator

Depending on where you live, your state may require private investigators to be licensed in order to provide services. In some states, the only private investigators you can hire are ones that are or have been involved in law enforcement. While you may feel uncomfortable with the process of selecting a private investigator, it’s important to interview several of them. You may also want to contact your lawyer to see if they can recommend an investigator that can take care of your situation.

Among other things, you’ll want to ask them how long it will take them to find out if your spouse is cheating. You’ll also need to ask about hourly rates, as well as any other costs that may be incurred. For example, some private investigators may charge you for having pictures printed or to pay additional staff members to follow your spouse. If the person you select has a good bit of experience in these matters, he/she should be able to give you a reasonable cost and time estimate.

Many people that suspect a spouse is committing adultery are skeptical of hiring a private investigator, but there are a number of benefits to hiring this type of person. In particular, you won’t have to follow your spouse around, let alone face the facts of adultery on your own. Unfortunately, hiring a private investigator will not guarantee that you won’t find out by accident first. If you do choose to go this route, research potential investigators with the same care you would any other type of private contractor.

Get professional advice

Before you say anything to your spouse, it may be helpful to seek professional advice. Among other things, you’ll want to discuss the issue with a lawyer, as well as with any spiritual and psychological advisors you’re close to. These people will give you the opportunity to gain some perspective and help you to sort out how you want to manage your future. Even if your spouse is committing adultery, at least you’ll know what you want to do about it.

Hire a private investigator

If you’re going to confront your spouse, it may be best to hire a private investigator to learn if your suspicions are accurate or not. This will also give you a chance to find out more information about who the extramarital partner is. Although this information may not give you much comfort, you’ll at reduce the anxiety of wondering who this person is in your mind. In addition, if your spouse won’t admit the truth, you can simply present the evidence found by the investigator.

Confront your spouse

Once you’re certain that your spouse is cheating, you’ll probably want to confront them. Unfortunately, you may not be able to put as much time and effort into planning this moment as you’d like. For example, many people don’t need to hire a private detective – rather, they simply return home a few hours early and catch their spouse with their lover. Without question, this is a horribly embarrassing situation.

If you have the opportunity, it’s much better to set aside some time and calmly discuss the matter. If you’re afraid of violence, it’s best to make sure that you don’t need to return to your home. You may need to secure an apartment and make sure that your spouse won’t be able to find you before confronting him or her. In this case, it will also be to your benefit to have this confrontation in a public place or at least in a location where you can easily obtain help.

There are an endless number of ways to find out whether or not your spouse is cheating on you, and there are just as many ways to let your spouse know that you’re aware of the situation. In all cases, the best thing you can do is to be honest with yourself about the signs of infidelity and take appropriate action to manage your response. This will give you time to gain control of your emotions, as well as ensure that you’re prepared to deal with each part of coming to terms with infidelity.

Advantages

Oddly enough, divorcing a cheating spouse can be an enormous benefit to you. In particular, once you’re out of the marriage, you can begin thinking about redefining who you are and what you want to do with your life. For example, if you feel that you made mistakes in your marriage or career choice, this is your chance to remedy those issues. You may even want to move to a new area, or completely change your lifestyle as a result of your divorce.

Disadvantages

If you have children or a number of joint financial aspects, divorce can have a number of serious repercussions. Among other things, you’ll need to sort out custody decisions, as well as determine who will be responsible for joint debts. Aside from this, you may also find yourself in a situation where your spouse will do everything possible to make the divorce proceeding as difficult as possible. This can take an enormous emotional toll on you throughout the process.

Letting go of your marriage

Once you’ve decided to end your marriage, many people feel that divorce is nothing more than a formality. That said, if you partner does not feel the same way about it, you may not be able to complete the divorce proceedings as quickly as you might like. If you find yourself in this position, it’s important to stay focused on your goal and keep moving towards the day when you’re legally free of your cheating spouse.

Initiating divorce proceedings

Regardless of whether or not your spouse is amenable to a divorce, you can start the proceedings on your own. Typically, all you’ll need to do is to find a lawyer that specializes in divorce. If you have a pre-marital agreement, the lawyer will be able to use that to draw up the divorce papers. Once completed, you can deliver divorce papers in person or find some other way to serve them on your spouse.

Once your spouse has been informed in writing that you want a divorce, they’ll have the opportunity to contest the divorce, or any of the various clauses in the paperwork. You may also find that you have to go to court a number of times to settle debt and custody issues. While this may take some time to settle, once it’s done, you’ll be free to move forward with a whole new life.

Divorce can be a horrible, terrifying experience. However, if your spouse has cheated on you, the last thing you may want to do is stay in the marriage. In this situation, staying married may expose you to all kinds of emotional stress and psychological strain. That said, before you initiate divorce proceedings, you’ll need to carefully consider all your options and choose the one that’s best for you.

Maintaining contact with your spouse

Depending on your circumstances, you may wish to remain married but not live with your spouse. If you decide to pursue this option, make a list of all the reasons that you are staying in the marriage. Try to look objectively at these reasons and see if you can reduce or eliminate them with some effort. For example, if your main reasons are related to money, look for ways to gain financial independence. While this may be a slow process, it will also give you and your spouse time to come to terms with the situation.

Moving to a new area

Many people that have been cheated on decide to move to a new area following their divorces. In many cases, meeting new people and seeing new places will give you a different perspective and help you to move on from your failed relationship. At the very least, you won’t be stuck in the same setting where there will be constant reminders of the past and everything you lost.

Finding a new partner

Without question, deciding to enter into a new romantic relationship is a difficult process. You may find yourself constantly thinking about the fact you failed in your first relationship. Consequently, before you start dating again, it may be helpful to seek the advice of a psychologist or counselor. This will give you a chance to learn more about yourself, as well as recognize any crucial relationship patterns you may have or baggage you’re holding onto from your failed marriage.

Being and staying single

Many people hold onto painful relationships because they’re afraid of being alone. On the other hand, if you’re willing to step outside of this fear, you may find that your newly-found freedom will be the best time of your life. When you’re content with being on your own, you won’t need to worry about gaining approval or acceptance. You may even find this is the perfect time to travel, pursue other interests, or even work towards a career change that’s meaningful to you.

Even though finding out about an extra-marital affair can be shocking and painful, it does give you a chance to build a new life for yourself. Unfortunately, emotional, financial, and relationship factors can make it even more difficult for you to find happiness outside of the marriage you were planning to stay in for the rest of your life. Although it will take some time to adjust, it is possible to find the kind of relationship and lifestyle that you want to have.

There are many seemingly obvious infidelity warning signs that are genuine actions that don’t spell disaster and aren’t anyway related to your spouse jumping into bed with someone else.

If you believe that your spouse is cheating on you, do your homework before you start throwing any accusations around. What you perceive to be infidelity warning signs might prove to be signs that your spouse is having an affair but they might not:

• Accuse them of infidelity when they’re innocent might cause problems in an otherwise rock solid marriage.

• Accuse them without proof and they might convince you that you are paranoid.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t act on your gut feel or ignore infidelity warning signs but don’t panic when you first begin to feel that there is a problem with your marriage and don’t let your partner know of your concerns without having hard evidence.

Some infidelity warning signs could be quite innocent such as:

• A sudden interest in the gym (they might just want to get fit)

• Seemingly guilty when on the phone (could be planning a surprise)

• Clearing old test messages (could just be good housekeeping)

• History wiped on the computer (possibly had to clean the computer)

If you feel there is something wrong don’t ignore the warning signs. I’m saying that there could be an innocent reason, not that there is. Any concerns of infidelity need to be resolved if you’re just being paranoid you need to prove it to yourself and if you’re not you need to catch that cheating spouse.

For more help and advice on infidelity visit http://www.commonmarriageproblems.marriagehealth.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Terry_Ross

Remember that you aren’t a bad person for getting a divorce. Of course you should try to work through your problems with a professional first, but if you and your spouse can’t get along for any reason, then there’s no reason to stay together in a situation that makes you both unhappy. Think ahead to the future and the well-being of yourself and your children, if any. Staying in a bad marriage can be bad for your health – in fact, the stress and pain of your situation can cause physical symptoms and illnesses.

Stress increases the production of chemicals like cortisone that trigger all sorts of changes in your body. Over time, your body learns to adapt to consistent high levels of stress by changing the type and amount of chemicals produced in your brain. These changes can trigger emotional problems like depression and anxiety, as well as physical symptoms like headache, nausea and indigestion. Your stress can literally make you sick – so it’s important to do everything possible to remain positive during these trying times.

Do everything you can to stay positive while you’re going through a divorce – for your emotional well-being and physical health. It may be hard, but try not to let yourself be dragged down by everything that’s going on around you. If you’re the recipient of any untruthful accusations, take a deep breath and think twice before responding in a negative way. It’s important to stay strong to defend your name and your reputation.

Try to surround yourself with positive people during your divorce – and throughout your life as well. Positive, upbeat friends and members of your family will help you keep having fun and laughing throughout your divorce. This will keep you in a positive atmosphere, helping you to remain calm and rational during the proceedings. Conversely, if you spend your time with depressed or mean people, you may find these traits rubbing off on you!

Although it can be difficult, you’ve got to be ready to move on with your life once the divorce is over – no matter what the outcome. Use this time as a transition period, enabling you to rediscover goals and dreams for your life that you may have put off. Working hard to stay in a positive frame of mind ensures that you have the mental and emotional fortitude to tackle these new changes. There are always second chances and you deserve to have one.

The first thing to do is to reduce unnecessary expenses as soon as possible. Divorce is expensive and sooner or later, you’ll need money to pay the legal bills. Sell off any personal property you no longer need or want – including extra furniture, unused cars or expensive clothing and trinkets. It’s possible that anything left over will be considered in your divorce settlement, so now’s the time to cut the fat.

The next thing to look at is any jointly owned credit cards you and your spouse hold. One thing to consider is that you can be held accountable for your spouse’s debt – even after you divorce – if your spouse defaults on any outstanding balance on your joint credit cards. To protect yourself, pay off the balances on your jointly owned credit cards and then close the accounts.

Better still – if you aren’t yet married – consider signing a prenuptial agreement that states you can’t be held responsible for your spouses debt. Give a copy of this paperwork to a credit agency before you open an account. Unfortunately, this type of protection only works if you haven’t yet opened the account – not if you’ve already accrued a balance – so it’s something to think about if you marry again in the future.

If you suspect that a divorce is coming and share a joint checking account with your partner, immediately open a personal checking account and start routing your finances through that account. Divorce can be stressful, and the last thing you need is for your spouse to clear out the account and take off, leaving you with nothing. When you open this account, do so at a different bank – don’t stay with the same company where you and your partner have joint accounts.

Immediately stop contributing money to any joint 401K retirement or pension plans you and your spouse own. In most cases, you can do so by letting your employer know or by making similar arrangements with your discount brokerage firm. You’ll also want to change the beneficiaries on these accounts and on any insurance policies you own. Make sure that any assets you have will be redirected to family and friends in the event of an emergency – not your spouse.

Finally, if you aren’t currently working, it’s time to find a job. If you’ve relied on your partner’s income for awhile, this will be tough, but you’ve got to learn to support yourself. If your divorce settlement doesn’t include any income from your spouse, you’ll have to find some way to meet your financial needs. Divorce is a tough, frustrating thing, but learning to protect yourself and your finances in the first step in getting through the process.

Custody Arrangements

Parents going through a divorce will have to work hard to put aside their anger and resentment for each other, in order to make the necessary arrangements for themselves and their young children. If at all possible, it’s best for parents to work out custody arrangements on their own – the trauma of going through court proceedings can be difficult for children to understand and can lead to repressed feelings that surface later in life.

Of course, divorce – in most cases – is not that simple. There may be points of contention and arguments that become so heated that you can’t settle them on your own. If you do seek legal intervention in solving child custody disputes, it’s important to remember to put your parental duties first and your emotions second. Children may lack the emotional tools to cope with the stress of custody disputes, so it’s up to you to keep your values as a parent and help them as best you can.

Talking with Children about Divorce

Under no circumstances should you attempt to keep the divorce a secret from your children. They’ll sense that something’s up between you and your partner – not being clear will make them wonder if they’re the cause of your angst. Give them time to process the decision before one parent moves out so that the child will have time to adjust to the thought and ask any needed questions. Above all, repeatedly reassure the child that both of you love him or her very much and that they are not the cause of your separation.

When speaking to your children, steer clear of placing blame on your partner for the separation. Be careful not to put down your partner in any way – putting your children in the middle of your divorce won’t make anyone feel better! It’s important for kids to know that they still have two parents who love them and will take care of them regardless of your new situation.

Finding Closure

Most children going through a divorce will experience a period where they’ll try to get the two of you back together. Therefore, it’s important to let them know that it was a mutual decision, that you both did your best to avoid this ending and that there’s nothing they can do to change the situation. Be gentle with them when they make these attempts, but don’t let them continue thinking that getting back together is a possibility when it isn’t. Give children the opportunity to ask you any questions they want, and be patient as they work through these complicated emotions.

Divorce is especially hard on children. They may lack the experience to process their feelings and the cognitive capacity to express themselves in words. Therefore, giving the child the right information – but not too much information – is extremely important. Don’t let them feel anxious or worried about things that aren’t their concern. Give them time to feel comfortable with the news and adjust to the idea of a new family life before making major changes to your living arrangements.

Natural as it may be, if you experience jealousy in your relationships, you know that it can be frustrating, annoying, painful and even embarrassing. Most experts agree that if left untamed, jealousy can single-handedly destroy an otherwise great relationship. However, although many people believe they are predetermined to be jealous, it’s possible to stop jealousy and improve your relationships.

Why do we experience jealousy?

Fear of rejection or abandonment – whether conscious or subconscious – is one of the major reasons we experience jealousy. Some psychologists believe we can trace the root of this reaction back to prehistoric times. When there were fewer people around, building relationships was of utmost importance for protection and survival. Therefore, it makes sense that we would develop a keen instinct to know when these relationships were being threatened.

Even though we’ve long since passed the caveman era when having strong relationships could mean the difference between life and death, we still feel this instinctual need to protect our relationships. And it makes sense – after all, you still want to preserve the bonds and connections you’ve created. But if jealousy is a constant factor in your relationship, you might want to examine whether this emotion is coming from an instinctual, subconscious place or from legitimate fears you have about the fidelity of your partner.

So what to do?

If you fear that jealousy might be ruining your relationship, now’s the time to act. Here are a few tips for getting your emotions under control:

1) The first step is to identify when your feelings of jealousy occur. Do you feel jealous when your partner interacts with anyone of the opposite sex, or only in specific situations? If you only feel jealous in certain instances, do you experience the same feelings every time the situation occurs, or are there more specific triggers?

2) Once you’ve identified the triggers that cause a jealous reaction, try to identify the reasons behind it. If you’ve ever been cheated on, you may be worried that your current partner will do the same. Your feelings of jealousy may also be coming from low self esteem. If you don’t value yourself, you may be worried that your partner will leave you for someone you perceive as “better.”

3) After completing your self evaluation, talk to your partner about your feelings. Be sure to phrase the conversation in terms of “I” - say things like, “I feel bad when you flirt with other people in front of me,” instead of, “You’re always flirting with other people in front of me.” Doing so removes the blame from the issue and allows you to focus on resolving your jealousy instead.

If jealousy is a major problem for you – or if your past relationships are truly impacting your ability to be happy, you may want to consider seeking professional assistance to help you resolve your emotional issues. Speaking with a qualified third party – like a therapist or psychologist – can help you address your jealousy issues and resolve them in a safe, non-confrontational environment.

Don’t be afraid of jealousy – it often stems from natural, instinctive psychological processes. However, when left unchecked, jealousy can ruin your current relationships and any future ones. So take the time to identify your issues and work through them with your partner or a third party. You’ll soon be on your way to taming that little green monster inside.

I’m not an expert, but have had my own break-ups to deal with (including divorce), as well as witnessing many friends go through similar circumstances and hope the following tips and advice will help you with your grieving process:

Use a Journal for Reflection

Write down as many of your thoughts, feelings and ideas as possible. Be honest…don’t bother editing yourself. Learn something about yourself. Specifically, learn something bad about yourself. If you think a break-up and your heartache is only the other person’s fault — your logic is flawed. It always takes two.

Some Questions to Ask Yourself:

Why did you get involved with this person in the first place?
Did the relationship help or hinder your personal development and life goals?
Where you in a co-dependent relationship? A toxic relationship? A parent-child relationship, etc.
What qualities / values did your other half have that were positive and negative?
What did you learn from this relationship?

No Blame

Get out of blame as soon as you can. Blame is for 5 year olds (and emo teens). Aim for responsibility and understanding rather than blame. Personal responsibility is the key to many areas of life, and your future love-interests will appreciate the maturity. He/she may have been a manipulative control freak, but you failed to recognize that quality before getting involved with them in the first place.

Exercise & Diet
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Exercise and good food for the body. Break-ups are depressing, and the psychological pain is sure to have psychical manifestations…so help yourself out by picking up a new sport (we suggest juggling) to get some of those endorphins going (and that is much cheaper and safer than pharmaceuticals).
It’s easy to start poor eating habits when you are feeling down about lost love — so watch what you eat and try to keep it healthy.

Friends are Your…Friends

Get out and re-connect with friends and acquaintances: couples often rely on each other for emotional support (un-healthy couples rely solely on each other). When a couple splits — they are no longer able to give this emotional support. This is a huge factor in the loneliness equation. Make sure you keep up with friends and family and don’t let yourself retreat too much into yourself.

Rebounds

Breaking up with someone to pursue another person is a dead-give-away of your lack of relationship skills and worse yet — it shows a serious deficiency of self-knowledge. Falling in love hard enough to crack teeth only to have those feelings slip away almost just as fast…and then starting that cycle all over again is serial monogamy — do yourself a favor and take a break from pursuing “love” for a while. Keep relationships casual while you work on your own issues and grief.

Time

I’ve heard that the general guideline for the time it takes to get over a relationship after a break-up is 1 month for every year of the relationship. Although some folks swear by this formula and offer it as hope to those newly heartbroken — remember that everyone is different and the time it takes for you to heal fully is subjective.

Remember — time will make things better, and the only person responsible for your happiness is you.

If all works out (which things generally do) you will come out of your break-up as a stronger and wiser individual that is able to have healthier future relationships thanks to lessons learned. Smile.

“Why am i such a horrible person?”

I feel like we need to start with this question because it is the most serious: a question of one’s own character. The truth is, you are NOT a horrible person for cheating on your partner. Let me repeat: you. are. not. a. horrible. person.

It is easy to come to that conclusion because you feel that you have done something so awful and unforgivable that you don’t deserve the title of a ‘decent person’ anymore. In reality, every human being is capable of every malicious and benevolent act…but it is our decision to choose between these polar opposites. You might be thinking “…but I KNOW I’m not capable of murder!”…..I’ll bet three months ago, you also didn’t think you were capable of infidelity, either, right? The thing is, you did not cheat on your partner to spite them nor to make your life a living hell…..circumstances lined up, you met an amazing person, your current relationship was unsatisfying, so you acted on what felt right. This does not mean that you are now the “unforgivable sinner”.

“How long should I wait before telling my partner?”

Don’t wait. Do not wait. The truth is your best friend in this situation. Living a lie can be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. If you find yourself having feelings for someone else other than your partner, then something is clearly wrong in your relationship. You and your partner need to sit down and have a serious and painful conversation about your relationship because it is unfair for them to continue putting forth their efforts into a relationship that is not progressing.

You also cannot assume what your partner’s reaction is going to be. It is easy to presuppose that your partner will have an emotional breakdown, which leads to lack of understanding, which leads to a terminated relationship. Do not convince yourself of that. It is also possible that your partner could find understanding through their pain and want to talk to you about why this infidelity occurred. They might love you so much that they want to work through whatever hindrances have presented themselves, just so they can be with you. Both of you should decide together whether the relationship is worth working on…which means, you have to tell them what has happened, now.

“Even though I’m unhappy, should I stay with my partner so that he/she won’t have to deal with a broken heart?”

If you are in a committed marriage and you feel such a strong conviction to stay with your partner despite what your heart tells you…then follow your heart. BUT, in most other cases, I don’t think it is advantageous for you nor your partner to suffer through a relationship that is barely working in the first place. If the person you cheated with seems to offer you things that your partner could never fathom, then you should definitely weigh out the reasons you are with your partner in the first place. This is a painful, long, and difficult process…but very necessary.

“Dear future infidels…”

Be honest with yourselves. Discover who you are before jumping into a relationship and expecting someone else to know the answer for you. You have to live and honest life or else you will find yourself in a situation of infidelity in an attempt to find out who you are through another person. Discover yourself before committing to something long-term.

So you think that the person you just broke up with is the only one who could ever understand you - the person you were meant to be with forever and ever and now you will never have another chance. Give yourself 2 months to mope, 4 months to party, and 6 months from now you’ll most likely have met the next love of your life.

My good friend, photographer, and artist, Jason once told me “All your relationships are bound to fail until you’re married.” Another friend added, “…and even then it’s not necessarily going to succeed.” But let’s stay upbeat and take Jason’s perspective. Like Rita Rudner said in the quote above, all those failed relationships that you stepped in are just like dog crap on the ground. They’re just a way to teach you what to avoid. In some way, each of them was wrong. Why were they wrong? Because you’re not together now, are you? If they didn’t want to stay with you, then they were wrong for you. Why do you want to be with them? If you broke up with them, then they were wrong for you. Why do you want to be with them?

But how do you get from the pain and loneliness of today to 6 months down the road when you do meet that special someone?

One way I tried to drown out my sorrow was to try to find someone new. I went out night after night, and trust me, I was successful. Sometimes I go on 3 different dates with 3 different men in one weekend. I went through them like napkins. I think I misinterpreted Thoreau when he wrote “There is no remedy for love but to love more.” The problem was, I didn’t like any of them. None of them was fulfilling the loneliness I felt, because there was no basis. There was no friendship to build these casual relationships on.

We all had things in common, but each encounter lacked something. I’m not sure what it was. One guy was nice, romantic, polite, and domestic, but I just wasn’t attracted to him. One was attractive and I connected well with him, but he was 5 years younger than me and just didn’t know enough about life. One was attractive and intelligent and we could converse well, but he smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol like the Saharan desert would drink up water, and occasionally smoked marijuana - not the ideal match for a future Anesthesiologist. What I found, in the end, was that my friends brought me the most joy in my life. Just being with them, talking to them, and laughing - even complaining about men together. My friends also reminded me of how great I was.

At one point, I was dating a DJ who did not have enough time with me. My friends never liked the chain-smoker from the beginning. “Here you are, a beautiful model and medical student, and you’re moping about some horse-face,” one of my friends told me. They felt he looked like a horse. Now, they refuse to let me date anyone they think is beneath me. “He has to be better than the two of us combined,” Tammy and Christina tell me. It’s a good gauge to go by. Why spend your time with someone who isn’t going to appreciate you and make you at least as happy as your friends do?

So, you don’t need to be in a hurry to find that next person any time soon. They’ll come along. For the time being, surround yourself with friends. If you don’t have any, find some. It’s not hard. Find someone of the same sex who is single or who recently got out of a bad relationship, and then ask them if they want to go to a movie or get dinner together. I know, you don’t want them to get the wrong idea and think that you’re hitting on them. Well, then just tell them the truth “I just got out of a relationship with this guy/girl and I’m looking for someone to hang out with.” Then, you will have someone to talk to and to hang out with, and also someone who will keep you from dating a horse-face.

“Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.” –Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

At a local bar, a man leans over and tells me “I would totally bang you if I were single.” I slap him on the back, say “Thanks!” and walk away.

Seeing so many men behave like this, I started to believe that all men care about is sex. I began to lose faith in men and actually considered “using sex as an icebreaker,” as Eliott once said on Scrubs.

I had several good male friends who suffered the same disillusionment with women that I had with men. One, an officer in the army, once told me: “Asshole men exist because of asshole girls.” The fact is that neither gender is free of fault. Men cheat because they see women cheat. Women cheat because they see men cheat. Women believe that there are no good men, so they stop looking for relationships and start just giving men what they think they want. Men stop looking for relationships because they believe women will cheat, and since there are so many girls who are willing to have sex with no relationship, why even bother with the relationship? The fact is, that neither could exist without the other.

Fortunately, I knew several good guys who were clearly looking for relationships as well. “I’m not looking for marriage right now, I just want to find a girl for a fulfilling, long-term relationship,” a Harvard graduate and current medical student told me. Even the men I see who sleep with random women secretly admit to me that they want relationships as well. They are just afraid to be hurt again, so they prefer the superficiality of sex with no commitment.

But it’s good to know that, for every smart, driven woman out there, there is a smart, driven man looking for that kind of woman. Some men just want a pretty girl for a night, but some are sick of superficiality and hold views similar to my secret love, John Keats, who wrote in his October 1818 letter: “the opinion I have of the generallity of women–who appear to me as children to whom I would rather give a Sugar Plum than my time, form a barrier against Matrimony which I rejoice in.” He later fell in love with and was engaged to Fanny Brawne.

So women, don’t lose faith because of sleazy guys. Continue being beautiful in body, mind, and soul. You will find your Keats. And men, don’t lose faith because of stupid, drunk women. Some day, you will find your Fanny Brawne.

In the end, we are all just looking for someone to understand us. I finally realized that my dad had not been happy in marriage to my mom for the last 10 years. Every day, he had been irate, leaving for work early, coming home late, avoiding financial matters. In some ways, he was even angry at me, because my mother seemed to care about me more than she did about him. He craved that overpowering and all-encompassing self-sacrificing love from the movies, but he wasn’t receiving that in marriage. And honestly, who will? That sort of thing slowly fades within a year. I often wish he had left my mother and myself 10 years ago, when he first realized that he was unhappy. Unfortunately, I think he felt a sense of obligation to see me through college, that resulted in him half-heartedly remaining committed to a marriage he no longer felt happy in.

My father was not the most mature. He did not know himself. Before you can really give yourself to someone else for the rest of your life, I think you have to understand yourself and what you want. Otherwise, you will commit to something you are not happy with, and ultimately, in forcing yourself to stay in an unhappy situation, you will cheat. Cheating will create misery and disillusionment. So, if you’re unhappy, even if you think you’re afraid of being lonely - even if you are avoiding hurting someone else’s feelings - dragging out your unhappiness is ultimately bad for everyone. Break it off before it gets there, that way you can find someone who will make you happy - without all the bad karma attached.

“Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” –Alan Watts

The truth is that people don’t cheat to hurt their partner. Exactly the opposite, they cheat (read: fulfill a need of theirs through someone else without your awareness or consent) because they didn’t want to hurt you! It sounds crazy, but it is 100% true: people cheat on their partners because they do not want to hurt their partners.

Of course, the irony here is that it ultimately leads to even more hurt because it was a dishonest action. But in all actuality, they meant well by it.

So what leads to a person deciding to fulfill a need of theirs while attempting to preserve the needs of their partner (whose one of many needs is to be in a monogamous relationship)? It is a way of hedging their interests, or put more understandably, a way of having their cake and eating it too. The entirety of their needs are no longer being met by their monogamous partner, so they seek out an additional person to do some supplemental work. But notice I said additional, not different. Well what does that mean? It means people who cheat have needs that run so deep, they attempt to meet these needs by introducing another person to their life. Viewed in this light, cheating hardly seems malicious. More appropriately, it is something to take compassion upon. Of course, after your mate neglects one of your needs (monogamy) and in doing so reveals their depth of needs, it is understandable that you won’t be in an emotional position to provide (let alone even more than you had before) for the “cheater’s” needs.

Right about now you’re probably wondering why you’re reading this article. You came here because you are damn mad about what your partner did (which is entirely understandable), and you were hoping to find a little fuel for your anger. You were hoping to read an article written by someone who is also mad as hell about what happened to them. If you found that article, at least you would know you’re not alone.

Does that sound about right?

Apparently so, because you’re still reading. Before I continue, you should know that you‘re never alone. You can‘t be. You‘re a part of this world as much as anyone else, no matter how much you sometimes might not want to admit it.

As for the reason you’re still reading? It’s because you’re hoping I say something that you know is true, but have simply forgotten. The truth is that you will heal from what has happened to you in a fuller and faster fashion by forgiving your partner for what they did. But with fuller and faster comes harder. The easy route is to be pissed off at them and belittle them in your thoughts and words. The hard (okay, okay… the extremely hard) route is to admit that they are an individual with a whole breadth of needs that were simply not being met. A breadth of needs much larger than yours (hey, you didn’t cheat, right?).

It is okay if you choose to add a smile of gratitude for your relative lack of needs to your process of dealing with infidelity.

Cheating Wife/Cheating Husband Signs: This website has about a dozen or so articles on how to catch a cheating spouse (or boyfriend/girlfriend). It also gives tips on how to deal with infidelity. It also goes into topics such as how to hire a personal investigator, if you need to take it that far.

Wikipedia’s Infidelity Entry: A lot of you might wonder why I would bother putting in a Wikipedia link, but it’s amazing the information you will find here, as well as other topics on extramarital affairs and cheating. Most of the useful information on this page is links to other web resources.

How To Get A Divorce: A step-by-step approach to how to get a divorce. It’s simple, it’s straightforward. Not something you want to think about, but the information is there to help you.

Divorce Tips For Women: This website is geared to helping women cope with divorce. It not only deals with divorce-related topics, but also how to get back into dating after divorce, as well as tips for a single woman (such as how to keep secure in their own home).

Wizards Of Odds On Boyfriends: This website primarily is about odds in casinos, but his Q/A section about boyfriends is great. It has a lot of down-to-earth advice on how to deal with relationship troubles and cheating.

Some people have affairs because they want to get out of the marriage and can’t communicate that fact. Some even have affairs as a cry for help, an indication that something is seriously wrong in the marriage. While others are unfaithful for the thrill and excitement. True, being unfaithful isn’t the best way to tell your partner that you are unhappy but it can be the wake up call that saves marriages.

Sometimes the very fact that a partner is unfaithful allows a couple to take an honest look at saving their marriage and working through their problems together.

Infidelity affects relationships deeply. It takes time to rebuild trust and decide whether you have a basis on which you can both make an effort to save the marriage. However, infidelity does not have to mean the end of a relationship. You can save your marriage.

Don’t make hasty decisions. Blame isn’t very useful, either. Express how you feel and move on. Decide what you need to save the marriage. Rebuilding your relationship can take time and learning to trust your partner again will require some faith, but is a must if you plan on saving your marriage.

Infidelity is a devastating experience. And yet, most couples who go through it can recover. How do they overcome the horrible memories of an affair after reconciliation… Forgive and Forget is a lot easier said than done.But if forgiveness is difficult, forgetting is probably downright impossible for many spouses. They are expected to forget some of the most painful experiences of their lives… While there is no excuse for infidelity, you will eventually have to move past it, if saving the marriage is on the agenda.

Do you remember the handbook you got the day you married? You know, the one that told you how to easily fix problems and issues as they came up in your marriage? Well if you didn’t get the marriage manual then, you really need to get it now! http://Save-That-Marriage.eoltt.com

There are ways to avoid a complete shutdown of your relationship. The first thing is to make sure that you want to do it.

5 Key Elements to consider:

1. In order to bounce back from an infidelity issue, you must be willing to try to resolve the issue.

2. If one partner isn’t willing, or wants to hang onto a grudge, then there will be no way of fixing it, no matter how hard each person tries.

3. Both people in a relationship need to spend time alone and think things through. You’ll need a clear head when you start the recovery process.

4. Don’t count on a quick fix. It is unlikely. Infidelity and the result of it is a complicated matter.

5. Discuss what your feelings are since this has happened. It wasn’t easy on you to find out about the infidelity your partner was involved in. He or she will need to know exactly what you went through when you found out.

Hurt mixed up feelings can be sorted out. It will take time and only you can decide if the relationship is worth the time and effort.

I’d like to offer you free access to our wonderful relationship tool. It is our Relationship Start-Up Guide: 50 Things You Should Know Before Starting a Relationship. You can pick up your copy at http://www.RelationshipAdviceHeadquarters.com

About the Author: From BJ Moorer and http://www.RelationshipAdviceHeadquarters.com

This information is taken from Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs. http://www.Is-He-Cheating-On-You.com

1. Telltale signs first begin to appear while the infidelity is still in the planning stage.

2. Most cheaters display signs of infidelity they aren’t even aware of, and wouldn’t even think to cover up.

3. Most people either miss or misinterpret the many subtle signs of infidelity staring them in the face.

4. If you know what to look for, you can find countless signs of infidelity using just your eyes, your ears and your personal knowledge of your mate.

5. It’s not the obvious signs of infidelity – it’s the subtle signs (the ones most people overlook) that will give the cheater away every time.

6. Certain signs of infidelity can help you determine the identity of the Other Woman or Other Man.

7. There are 21 major categories of infidelity signs, each comprised of 2 to 6 dozen individual telltale signs. For a list of the 21 categories, e-mail InfidelityInfo@gmail.com with “infidelity signs” in the subject line.

8. If your mate is cheating, you’ll find clusters of telltale signs from several of those 21 categories all at once, not just a few telltale signs.

9. Where there’s one telltale sign, there are plenty of other signs of infidelity just waiting to be found.

10. The earlier you spot the signs of infidelity, the better your chances of saving your marriage — or of protecting yourself legally and financially in case the infidelity leads to divorce.

According to statistics, 2/3 of infidelity victims have no idea their husband or wife is cheating because they fail to recognize the telltale signs. If more people knew how to recognize the signs of infidelity, more marriages could be saved. You can protect your marriage by familiarizing yourself with the signs of infidelity – not just the obvious signs that everybody (including the cheater) knows, but the subtle signs that most people usually overlook. The future of your marriage may one day depend on your ability to spot the telltale signs in time. If you don’t know what to look for, by the time you find out an affair is in progress, it may already have already reached the point of no return. With books available like Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, which lists practically every known sign of infidelity, there’s no reason for anyone to be the last to know. Make it your business to learn what to look for so you can protect your marriage when the first signs of an extramarital affair appear.

© 2005 Ruth Houston

About the Author:

Infidelity expert, Ruth Houston is the author of “Is He Cheating on You?-829 Telltale Signs” a comprehensive guide which documents practically every known sign of infidelity, including the subtle signs most people usually overlook. To get a FREE tip sheet describing the 21 major categories of infidelity signs, e-mail InfidelityInfo@gmail.com with “21 categories” in the subject line. For more information about Ruth Houston, her book, or signs of infidelity, visit http://www.InfidelityAdvice.com Is He Cheating on You? is also available as an e-book from Booklocker.com ( http://www.booklocker.com/books/1755.html)

Communicate

Sure, this is dime-a-dozen advice, but simple truth is that the healthiest relationships are the ones with the most fluid and open communication. Communication is the window to happiness in relationships. Happy people don’t cheat. If you sense there is a problem in your relationship, bring it up with your partner. Relationship problems are like a big pink elephant in the corner of the room. Everyone knows it’s there. By pretending it doesn’t exist, you’re only being foolish.

Don’t Take Your Partner For Granted

It has been said that expectations are the seed of unhappiness. By taking your partner for granted, you are inadvertently causing them to be unhappy. If they get too unhappy, they’ll go elsewhere to find the happiness you once brought them. They key to avoiding this is to not expect anything from your partner. Each day, treat them as if you might not see them the next. You’ll be surprised how much such a mentality can positively influence your relationship.

Focus on Giving, Not Taking

Relationships are investments. The investment will only return dividends if you work hard at keeping your partner happy. In superficial terms, it is obviously more fun to receive than give. But for the growth of your relationship, you’ll need to focus more on giving. By doing so, your partner is more likely to be happy. In turn, that will lead to them being less likely to cheat, and more likely to give you what you want.

Lose the Jealousy

Rarely is jealousy viewed as an attractive quality. If you feel regular urges of jealousy, don’t fret, you’re not alone. However, jealousy can destroy relationships, so it’s time to get rid of it. When your partner sees your jealousy, they don’t think, “aww, I’m loved!,” they think, “hmm, I wonder what’s so special about this other person that’s making my partner jealous?” This curiosity can lead to infidelity. Jealousy is an inner problem that results from a lack of self confidence. At the end of the day, you have to be perfectly okay with the thought of being alone. Only when you are entirely comfortable with yourself will jealousy cease to haunt you.

A Need For Power

If you’ve seen American Beauty, Annette Benning’s character serves as a perfect example of a woman who is cheating to feel more powerful. In that movie, her husband is in something of a rut. Since he radiates no self-confidence, Annette’s character starts an affair with the area’s best real-estate agent. This empowers her and makes her feel alive again. A very common reason why women cheat is to feel more powerful or confident. This is why male celebrities and sports-figures have an easy time getting women to sleep with them. They provide the woman with a feeling of authority.

Longing For Attention

Women love compliments. In a relationship where a woman is never complimented by her companion, she will grow a significant emotional deficit. A compliment-deprived woman is more likely to cheat if the right man comes along and offers her an abundance of compliments. In this case, the infidelity is a result of the woman not receiving enough attention in her life. Many-a-chick-flick has been scripted on this very premise.

Security

A woman may cheat to fill a void of security in her life, whether it’s physical, financial, emotional, or otherwise. Only recently have women been fully independent in our society. Not more than a century ago, it was entirely common for women to be kept from receiving an education. This resulted in a society where men were the providers. Although women have every opportunity to be self-sustaining today, culture influences women to think they are meant to be taken care of by men. Because of this, women seek men with a large stock portfolio and muscles. If a woman feels she is not receiving enough security from her mate, she might use her sexuality as a way of leveraging security from another man. A perfect example of this is Sharon Stone’s character in the movie casino.

In closing, if you seek to define why a woman cheated on her companion, inspect her life and look for an emotional void that might have been met by the person she cheated with.

If couples truly loves one another and committed themselves to marriage, the chances of cheating would be much less as compared to a less serious relationship provided if after marriage, the couple remain as they used to and communicate with each other on an intimate level. However, thing still happens at times and if one happen to spot these early signs of marriage infidelity, there is more chance to save the marriage.

First off, the most common infidelity sign in marriage is when your partner starts to feel “bored” with everything at home. The bored here more or less refers to the lack of attention to things happening within the house and a decreasing amount of intimate communication between both of you. If this happen once in a while, there is a chance an external factor such as work or a football game would be the cause of the problem. However if this symptom prolongs, there is a good chance your partner would feel “bored” and start looking for thrills and excitements elsewhere (yes, elsewhere could be an extramarital affair). Spotting this early sign and communicating thoroughly with your partner could solve an infidelity problem at an early stage.

Secondly, the lack of attention to your partner could be a cause for infidelity as well. Although it is believed infidelity starts on one side, actually both party have to be responsible as we all know full well that it takes two hands to clap. We are all just human beings and even after marriage, psychologically, we as human beings still crave for attention from our loved ones. In psychology terms, this is similar to transactional analysis where for the amount of attention we shower to someone else, we would be expecting (consciously or subconsciously) the same level of attention back from the person we care about. Therefore, just ask yourself this question, have you been neglecting your partner’s emotional need lately?

Commonly on marriage, most of the time it is the lack of emotional needs that lead to the tendency of having an extramarital affairs, be it the husband or the wife. The lack of communication between partners is a sign of a build up for emotional needs and affairs happen when these build up of emotional needs aren’t met. Therefore as discussed in the start of this article, communication although it may seem fundamental, it is the essence and the core to a healthy relationship. Without proper intimate communication between married couples, regardless of how wonderful and deeply both of them love each other, the love would eventually fade away. Therefore, remember to communicate as often as possible with your partner and things such as going on holiday with your partner or tidying up the garden together would definitely help.

Firstly, men are less detailed in general when compared to woman. Therefore, always pay attention to details as this is where you usually find the evidence point towards your husband. If you already have doubts on your husband, take a step further to peek into his bills, in particular his mobile phone bills, credit card bills and his bank statements. If you spot any peculiar or out of place items on the bills, this is where you could start gather your evidence on. For example, his credit card bills that indicates he has been dining in an expensive restaurant and the bill adds up to two person or if his bank statements showing withdrawals in out of work or routine places (a shopping centre).

Next off, you could actually plan a fake vacation and leaving your husband at home for a few days. There’s a lot of room for imagination here where for example, you could install some off the shelves hidden camera at home to see if your husband is bringing anyone home. Additionally, you could actually wait nearby to your house to see if your husband is bringing anyone home. Other than that, you could actually fake a getaway, get your close friend to help you by pretending to hit on your husband. The outcome from one of these situations would be rather obvious to determine whether your husband has been cheating on you or otherwise.

An alternative would be to install some booby traps at home. No, we’re not onto something dangerous or hostile, but merely signs that would indicate something. For example, you could reposition your hairdryer in a recognisable but normal looking position where if someone else touches it, the position it would be left would be different and this is a sign of a cheating husband (unless for some reason he needed to use it). Then of course, you could actually use your imagination and do something which your husband wouldn’t use but a woman would.

As with the digital age we now live in, internet plays an important role in cheating because the traces of internet activities could be easily hidden (or so we think). There are some commercial software out there such as key-logger or computer activity monitor which would monitor the use of the computer without your husband knowing. This way if you husband has been emailing his mistress or chatting via online chatting service, this could be a good way of catching him without him knowing.

Having said all the above, if all comes down to such a point where you would be forced to do all this, then perhaps it’s about time for you to gather evidence of your husband cheating and to confront him directly. Decide on what the both of you want to do as it is painful to drag on such issues for a long period. Frankly, I would sincerely hope a marriage between to loved one would end like all other fairy tales – happily ever after.

First of all, before anything could progress anywhere further, one should always first decide what is the best possible or the desired outcome from this situation. If you are caught or decided to confess (this is something pretty rare) that you are having an extramarital affair, you should be thinking what the next step you want to take is. Would you be considering salvaging your current relationship and marriage or have you decided that you would leave your current relationship in pursuit of a new one? Regardless of what the choices you have in mind, without making your mind up, chances are you wouldn’t be able to recover from any of this.

Secondly, once you have made up your decision (and I truly hope it’s the right one – fixing your current marriage), it’s time for you to calm yourself and your partner up before progressing any further. A hot head would not lead you to a proper outcome but perhaps even more disaster. Therefore, if required, take some time off and invite someone over such as your parents. Usually, an older generation people would be the best person to ease some of the tensions between you and your partner. As they are usually well experienced in relationship, they would be some of the ideal people where you could communicate to and express your feelings to them.

Apart from the above, it is understood that trust between you and your partner would disappear due to the infidelity and once trust is lost, it is not easy to recover them. However, as you are mainly the cause of the infidelity, it is in human’s natural conscious to expect you to do the patching up. Therefore, although trust has been lost between you and your partner, one of the best ways to recover and rebuild your relationship is true complete and transparent honesty. It is really understandable that any minor change in your behaviour would trigger a lot of negative responses such as suspicion from your partner and therefore, you should carry yourself well throughout this period.

Time is essence is a lot of issue and as many have pointed out, time would be required for you to recover from this relationship. There are no magical spells involved here whereby once you’re caught or once you confessed your affairs, a few sorry left and right would solve all the problems and you’re back to normal. Sadly, life is not always this simple and once your partner is hurt, all that you can do is to love your partner, provide your partner with all the trusts they need and hopefully as time goes by, the relationship for both you and your partner could be healed.

To be honest, deep down personally many including myself would hope that affairs would happen in the first place once you are committed to a marriage because there are a lot at stake, including your children and hurting the person you care about. Frequent and honest communication between both you and your partner would be crucial as early signs for tendency in cheating would emerge and both of you could possibly work things out before things go horribly wrong. Lastly, all the best to your marriage and may God bless your relationship.

Sometimes, due to the nature of the woman being more detailed than men, it is not easy to realise that your wife is cheating on you and by the time you do, you would be sitting in the lawyer’s office penning down on you divorce paper. There are some examples of how wife starts to cheat on their husband and to be fair to both parties, these happens due to the fault of both side – both the husband and wife should be responsible.

Firstly, infidelity and cheating don’t happen overnight and definitely not in a blink. When people lack the attention they crave and desire, they tend to look for an alternative channel for an extra dose of attention. If the husband is a workaholic and tend to return home late all tired and worn out, as time goes by, the husband could be paying less and less attention to his wife and family, resulting in a lack of attention and love from his husband. Therefore, if this goes on, the wife could go out looking for someone who would be able to provide this and if the wife is a very attractive person (physically), the chances of someone who could provide this to her would be a lot.

What they say is, it all begins as friends. Usually, the wife would continue to see this person who could provide her with the attention and love she wants. As they each starts to grow fond of one another, the occurrence of intimate communication between the wife and the person would be more frequent to an extent the wife is slowly to lose interest to his husband because there is another person out there who would listen to her. This is where the danger lies when intimate communication between the husband and wife starts to go down as the understand of both of them would decline.

By the time the husband feels something is wrong, the wife could be cheating on him so frequently that regardless of whether the husband picks up the signs (it should be something very obvious now), it’s almost too late to do anything about it. During the early stages of cheating (i.e. when the wife is trying to seek for an alternative channel for attention), this is the crucial moment as things have yet to go wrong and the relationship is still fixable by paying more attention and love to the wife.

Despite saying this, the result of a wife cheating on the husband or vice versa should be the responsibility of both parties. There’s no point in blaming everything just on one side as it takes two hands to clap. Again as many would always say, communication is vital is today’s world and it’s even more crucial in a relationship and marriage. Without communication, the trust and love between a loving couple could crumble as both trust and love are built upon the fundamentals of intimate communication.

One of the first hints that your partner is cheating on you is whether you feel different about your partner. Is there a change in behavioural pattern in your partner? Some changes are subtle whereas some changes are more obvious. For example, your partner could be paying more attention to the attires or themselves more often, by making sure they look good all the time where before that, your partner seldom pays attention to these issues. Other than that, could your partner be wearing a perfume or cologne where previously they wouldn’t? Despite how people tend to hide these issues, subtle signs still show up every now and then because it’s simply impossible to hide all these (this is true where although both of you are at either end of the phone, you can still “feel” it if the person on the other side is smiling or having a bad day).

Secondly, an early sign of infidelity involves secrecy and an increasing demand of privacy. If your partner is indeed cheating on you, your partner may be having a few mysterious behaviour such as arriving late at home, turning off the mobile without any apparent reason, delete text messages or call records, hidden phone bills, hidden credit card bill and many more. These are but some of the more obvious secrets your partner are trying to hide (it’s not secret anymore when you know about it though).

Notice if there are any emotional changes in your partner. Sometimes, if you notice that if not under the influence of external factors such as work, fatigue etc and if you partner is acting coldly towards you or if your partner is getting impatient with you, there could be some truth behind these behaviours. Perhaps there is something your partner is dissatisfied with you or perhaps, your partner is longing to be at another place instead of being with you.

Sometimes, inconsistency could be another hint to determine whether your partner is potentially cheating on you. These inconsistencies describe things similar to a bump in a straight line. Your partner could be telling your one reason for working late whilst another reason for the next minute or alternatively, your partner could tell you that they are working late but one of your friends saw your partner loitering around at another location. These inconsistencies could lead towards more decisive evidence determining whether your partner is cheating on you.

Lastly as I have mentioned earlier, most of the times we are just being paranoid and insecure towards all of our surroundings including our partner. Therefore, a little trust and a lot of communication go a long way. A lot of times, a proper discussion with your partner would solve most of these issues and I must stress again that communication is vital for a long lasting relationship.

Some of us would think that forgiving someone who has cheated on you is hard. However, let’s look at things in this perspective. Have you forgiven your sibling who broke you toys when you were a kid? Have you forgiven your parents for not letting you attend that rave party you always wanted to go to? Forgiving something is always the same, regardless of the context. Furthermore, forgiveness is not just about forgiving what the person has done, but it is also something you should do for yourself. A teaching in the Holy Bible indicates that we should not hold grudge against someone after sunset. This is basically telling us to always forgive others because hating someone and holding grudges is equally damaging to yourself and your partner.

The next step to forgiving infidelity is to look deep into your partner to see is there any sign of remorse for the wrongdoings. This is important because while you are trying to forgive your partner, if your partner acts as if nothing happened and it is your duty to forgive the wrongdoings, then something is very wrong here. This is a sign indicating that you can expect another cheating from your partner soon enough. If you partner does indeed feel remorse and wanted to make up what they have done, then this is a good sign for you to take a further step.

Everyone and anyone would feel remorse because the ability to differentiate right from wrong is genetically programmed onto us by the Creator. Therefore, having the sign of remorse does not necessarily mean you could forgive your partner straightaway. If you do not find out the problem as to why you partner cheated on you, the cheating could happen again. By considering the cause of the cheating, you could potentially deduce whether is your partner trustworthy and cheating would never again happen in the future. This would be reassuring if you understand the cause of the cheating as there is more room for both of you to make sure this wouldn’t happen again in the