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Are you afraid your partner will “drift” in your relationship? Have you experienced infidelity in your past or current relationship and you’re worried it will happen again? Afraid you will be deceived and now know?
What is an affair? We commonly believe that affairs are about sex, but they’re really about betrayal, lies and deception. An affair might include gifts exchanged, letters, poems, trips and meetings, intimacy being shared with someone else that was supposed to be only between the couple. And all of it happening while the betrayed partner believed everything was safe because they loved each other. Affairs are deeply wounding because they shatter what the partners believe to be true about the relationship.
The new infidelity includes internet or emotional affairs which can be very compelling, often beginning as a curiosity or a way of coping with stress. The annonymity it offers can be a draw to chat rooms and sites initially luring users into a seemingly harmless distraction. Most partners who had on-line affairs weren’t planning to; they weren’t thinking about the consequences or effect on their partner.
Here are 4 steps, while appearing simple, require commitment and work from each partner.
1) The first step is to get honest with yourself and your partner. You may think that you already are. But this is about how you feel about yourself and your partner. Are you someone who puts aside your feelings for the sake of keeping peace, afraid of how your partner may react? Maybe you’re afraid of confrontation…you can feel your palms getting sweaty with just the mention of the word…afraid of being criticized, losing control, or appearing weak? It may be time to step out of your comfort zone and take responsibility for your feelings.
2) Talk honestly and respectfully with your partner by creating a safe haven. Before sharing your feelings with your partner, you will want to establish agreed-upon guidelines. Set aside a mutually agreed “Talk Time”. Agree to listen to your partner with an open heart and mind. Agree to talk briefly, maybe a minute so you can listen and respond. Agree to “Time Out”. Don’t let a talk escalate into a fight with no resolution. Agree that the one who calls the time out will schedule a continuation of the talk for later. Agree to no name-calling or swearing at each other.
3) Become transparent in the relationship. Affairs are like mushrooms, they thrive in darkness and secrecy. To help recover, couples can build trust with on-going honesty. It takes time and work. The betrayed partner is afraid it will happen again, and again they won’t know when it is occurring. Take small steps.
4) After you and your partner are effectively practicing “Talk Time” and you may find help from a marriage counselor if you get stuck, the next step is creating “The Promise”. After you have examined your ideas and expectations regarding infidelity, you can begin to take it to the next level. Consider your reaction to your partner’s infidelity. Write down your agreed-upon definition of an affair and your reaction. Step 4 builds on trust, honesty and communication. Here you can both clearly define an affair and know how each would feel about being deceived.
More couples are choosing to stay together and recover after an affair. The steps outlined above are guidelines and not meant to replace counseling. If you find you could benefit from professional help, there are marriage counselors trained and experienced in this speciality who are available to assist you. A great relationship takes time and work, but isn’t it worth it?
About the Author:
Marj Lucas, M.S., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in helping couples recover after an affair. She has been in practice for over 22 years helping individuals and couples make lasting changes in their relationships. You may e-mail Marj at marjlucas@sbcglobal.net for questions or comments or view her web-site at http://www.relationshiprecovery.net
Tag: Betrayal
[tags]Betrayal, Affair, Infidelity, Surviving Betrayal, Surviving Infidelity[/tags]
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