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Why do people have affairs? No one has all of the answers to this question but one thing is certain, affairs cause massive pain, destroy relationships and break apart families. There are many different reasons people say they have affairs, though none are justified. The loss of trust, respect, and admiration, in addition to the emotional trauma it creates can be devastating for the people involved and the relationship.
In my experience with coaching couples, there seem to be two major reasons why people choose to have affairs. Note that I use the word choose, as it is a person’s conscious choice to break their commitment to their partner and engage in an affair. The person committing the act of infidelity has no excuses, is not a victim, and must accept absolute personal responsibility for all of their words, behaviors, and decisions.
Let’s face it, some people for whatever reason are not considerate individuals. They think of themselves first with little or no regard for the consequences of their words, behaviors, and decisions on the ones they love. We all have our own special names for these kinds of people; I will be gracious and say they belong with the rotten apples in the barrel bunch.
The second reason, and the one I will focus one, lies with the relationship space. This is the space both partners create that breeds the conditions for affairs to happen. Allow me to state again, I do not condone infidelity and it is my belief that affairs are never justified. This explanation is not an excuse for people to use to rationalize or justify the choices they make. My contention is that while couples do create the environment for infidelity to occur, the choice to engage in an affair is a poor solution to a relationship problem.
The question remains, how can partners create a relationship space that is resistant to affairs? To begin, people must understand that in order to keep their home standing, they must first build a solid foundation. The foundation is reflected in feeling Safe, Loved, and Cared For (SLC). In order to achieve the feelings of SLC people must follow three steps to understand, learn, and speak each other’s SLC Language.
Everyone has their own unique dictionary for the meaning of SLC. Each person’s dictionary is comprised of the words, actions and behaviors they need to see, hear and feel in order to know they are safe, loved, and card for.
If a person does not feel SLC in a relationship, their perspective of their partner and the relationship overall will undoubtedly be negative. Negative perspectives lead to feelings of disconnection, apathy, and loneliness in the relationship. As time goes on, the feelings of disappointment, frustration, defensiveness, resentment, contempt and anger are injected into the relationship space. These couples will eventually find themselves destroying the foundation of their relationship while mired in the Cycle of Conflict.
In order to prevent the negative spiral that leads to affairs and infidelity, couples must follow the three steps to speak each others SLC Language thus ensuring a rock solid foundation to build a relationship filled with safety, friendship, trust, respect, admiration, joy, passion, and love.
Step 1 - Write your definition for each of the following. If you are uncertain what your definition is, how do you expect your partner to speak your language? What does each word mean to you? How to do need to see it, hear it, feel it, touch it, experience it? Write a minimum of three words, actions, and behaviors that help you to feel each of the following …
• Safe
• Loved
• Card for
Step 2 - Once you complete your list, share it with your partner. Remember, your partner is not a mind reader. If people desire their partner to speak their SLC language fluently and often, they must teach it in a manner that helps their partner feel safe enough to learn it. Take this opportunity to be patient and gently coach your partner in the finer points of your language of SLC.
• Bo concise and explain each definition in detail
• Make sure to write down all of your partners definitions to review.
• Read the list of your partners SLC language once a day for 10 days
Step 3 – After you share your SLC language with your partner, commit to learning, memorizing and speaking each other’s language every day. Have fun exploring and sharing new words, actions, and behaviors in your partner’s dictionary.
• Commit to your partner that you will speak their SLC language everyday
• Speak your partner’s language unselfishly and unconditionally, regardless of what your partner does or does not do.
• Each time you speak your partner’s SLC language,. you are creating the environment where your relationship will be free of the fear of infidelity.
The choice is yours ! You can accept personal responsibility to work together and co-create an emotionally intelligent relationship where you both feel Safe, Loved, and Cared. for, or you can allow the seeds of disappointment, frustration, defensiveness, resentment, contempt, and anger to take hold and potentially lead to infidelity and affairs.
P.S. - Please do not pour concrete, then take a jackhammer and break it up. The quickest way to accomplish this is by NOT following The “I-TO-WE” Creed - Nothing destroys the safety, friendship, trust, respect, admiration, joy, passion, or love in a relationship more than having someone make a promise, or commitment to you and your relationship, and then not follow through.
©2007 – All rights reserved – Glenn Cohen - “I-TO-WE”™ Relationship Coaching / www.i-to-we-relationship-coaching.com
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Tag: Avoid Infidelity
[tags]Avoid Infidelity, Avoid Affairs, Faithful and Trusting Relationship, Surviving Infidelity[/tags]
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